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Stacey Druss

Role: Advocate for authentic inquiry and genuine curiosity

Contributions to the Discussion

Stacey brought an important critical perspective on the difference between genuine and performative curiosity.

The Problem with Performative Curiosity

Stacey's key intervention:

"Curiosity when it's not genuine, can also be really annoying."

"As someone who sometimes feels, or has felt disempowered, sometimes curiosity can feel like I have to explain myself."

Jerry Michalski captured it: "It feels like prying, you mean?"

"Yeah, or, or, like, having to justify why I'm doing what I'm doing. When it's genuine, it's wonderful."

Personal Boundaries

Stacey was refreshingly honest about her own practices:

"You know me, I'm probably the wrong person, because I'm not doing anything I don't want to do. I'm sorry, anybody. I don't probably don't care where you live, so somebody else will ask you. Forgive me! Forgive me."

Pete Kaminski responded: "Well, you ask even better questions, Stacey."

George Monbiot and Storytelling

Stacey referenced George Monbiot:

"Where we don't have a story, we make up one."

She connected this to Gil Friend's stories about people who don't ask questions, noting:

"The story that I made up in my mind, is that sometimes people that are either younger or if I could replace that with less experience, because they might be the same age..."

This introduced the idea that lack of experience (not just youth) might explain apparent incuriosity.

Understanding Why Others Don't Ask About Illness

Stacey offered insight into why people might not ask questions about illness, responding to Gil Friend's story about friends not asking about his wife Jane's major health issues:

"Um, and as far as the people that were talking to Jane, Sometimes people are afraid to hear the answers, and they're so uncomfortable with sickness, and they don't want to know."

"And I wanted to throw that out, too, because sometimes really caring, loving people are just so uncomfortable with feelings, and don't know what to say."

This reveals an important dimension: Sometimes apparent incuriosity in others is actually discomfort or fear.

Stacey's analysis shows:

Her Own Approach: Asking to Avoid Stories

Importantly, Stacey clarified her own different approach:

"Um, I tend to be somebody… I will ask the question, Because I don't want to make up a story in my head."

"It's usually, I've found in my life, it's better to ask the question and know for sure than to just imagine what the answer is."

Stacey prefers to ask directly rather than fill in gaps with imagined narratives - connecting back to George Monbiot's observation that "where we don't have a story, we make up one."

The Crucial Distinction: Noticing vs Curiosity

Near the end of the call, Stacey made one of the most important conceptual contributions:

"I think we're... there's a little bit of a blurry line between the noticing and the curious, and I just want to remind everybody, we are all curious."

"With the noticing, I do believe there are people that they just don't notice. And, like, they may not have the ability to notice, and so if you don't notice in the first place, you can't be curious."

"Then there are people that notice and they're not curious, and there's a difference there."

Stacey's Three Categories

  1. People who don't notice - May lack ability; curiosity impossible without noticing
  2. People who notice but aren't curious - Notice but don't investigate
  3. People who notice and are curious - Full engagement

This distinction fundamentally reframes curiosity cultivation: First teach noticing, then curiosity.

Noticing the Relationship

Stacey made an important observation to Scott Moehring:

"Thanks for noticing this relationship —> Which comes first? Curious leading to noticing, or noticing leading to curiosity? That's something I will be pondering."

AI and Patience

"And they don't lose patience when you keep rephrasing the question with good reason, I might add ;)"

Stacey appreciated that AI allows iterative questioning without human frustration.

Parenting Experience

Like Judith Benham and Gil Friend, Stacey's father used the reflective questioning approach:

"My dad did the same for me" (asking "what do you think?" instead of providing answers)

Themes Stacey Explored

Related Participants

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